and you said cock pushups were impossible
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
