you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
