go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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