Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
