jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
