Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
