I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
