Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
