Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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