dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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