I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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