I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
