I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
