My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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