Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
