You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
