i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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