Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
