I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
