Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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