you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
