Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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