i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
