just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
