I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
