I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
