i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
