She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
