i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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