I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
