Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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