it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am midnight drunk by noon
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
