She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
