As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
