If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
