Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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