You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
