I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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