remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
