I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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