I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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