I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
