Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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