I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
