if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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