I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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