i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
