i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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