i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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