How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
